I did a bit of thinking and observing since I couldn’t find a good link to watch Thor. I am Sri Lankan and there is a racist term for people like us South Asians (i.e. India and … whoever. Sorry, I failed Geography). “Paki.” This term originated over 30 years ago when “British hooligans used the term Paki-bashing to refer to the gang beating of ethnic minorities (Dictionary.com)”. It’s used to refer to us all South Asians, but it just doesn’t make sense because only one country has Paki people. It’s called Pakistan. And by the way, the correct term for people who live in Pakistan is Pakistani. SCHOOLED.
I’m one to be easily offended by (even if Tamil people use) such words as “punnani” and “pundai”. Anyone who says that… I usually shoot them with a bazooka in my mind over and over and over and over… So when anyone uses the word “paki” to refer to us South Asians, you can imagine how much worse that can get in my mind. I haven’t encountered such racist comments in a very long time, but if I did, I really don’t know how I will react.
Bad enough, Tamil people have a very funky racist term for East Asians: “chaputai” (according to my mom). That’s right. So for those Asians who are friends with Tamil people, listen carefully. While “paki” generalizes all of South Asian (us brown folks), “chaputai” generalizes all o’ y’all East Asian folks. Do you know what it refers to specifically? The stereotypical flat nose. Yeah. Now you know. To all the people who use that term and try to get away with it and your friend ain’t happy, you’re busted. And to those who just ADORE stereotyping: no, not all East Asians have flat noses. I have enough East Asian friends to prove that.
Here is another term that bothers me. “Nigga.” It’s said to be a derogative term derived from “nigger” and is usually offensive towards Black people. Some are cool with it. If a Black person uses the word, it’s usually not considered racist (from what I have witnessed). But is anyone else bothered by non-Black people calling other non-Black people “nigga” freely? It just seems so… odd. Am I missing something?
I have witnessed the misuse of these words in person and on social networks and it really appalls me that people are so ignorant that they think it’s okay to use them. Like, really: a) wrong race, folks; and b) don’t use them anyway. Someone will find it offensive, and you just look ridiculous. If I’m incorrect about a fact, please inform me of what it is I messed up on, but other than that, I’m done here for now.
Love & Good Vibes,
This week has been hectic. I feel like I actually do have piles of paper burying me every morning. It’s probably why I can never get up. Or because I’m lazy.
I first would like to congratulate the newlyweds (I will not name them because I have no permission). What a beautiful couple!
I just came back from Jamaica Sunday night. I was gone for a week – a week of watching other people getting drunk; a week of trying to get drunk or high and failing; a week where I ate as if I’ve never seen food in my life; a week of missing school… oh. Did I regret it? No. Is school going to let me watch my very first non-South Asian wedding at a beautiful beach and sunset (that happened way too quickly to take any more pictures)? No. Is school going to be all inclusive with a buffet everyday to feed and nurture the students? No. Is school going to put you in a cozy room that isn’t smaller than a typical bathroom? No. Is school going to pat my ass and tell me I’m a good girl? FUCK NO.
I hope they don’t.
I’ll blog about Jamaica another day. Anyways, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Why? I felt like everyone was just drifting apart and settling with new lives. I’m not wrong. They are moving on with new lives. I found myself trying to make plans with people all the time, or they attempt to make plans with me but then are magically busy. I used to never care. It was sometime when I hit my 20s when I started to actually FEEL. My response: “Ugh! What the fuck is this?” I’m still like that, but not as much.
With these feelings comes a lot of learning. I definitely learned a lot about myself through friends, family, and relationship. Those deep and corny conversations help. I wish I was kidding when I said I was thankful for these people, but I’m not. I really am thankful. Without them, I wouldn’t have learned anything about myself and continued being a cold-hearted zombie who never cried at weddings. Yeah, that’s right. I cried at the wedding in Jamaica. SHUT UP.
I still don’t cry at funerals though. If that offends you, stop reading this.
I recently had a really deep conversation with someone who is like a younger brother to me. I realized that since I’m not used to getting in touch with these emotions still, I channel them as anger, depressed, or I just get scared and run away – mentally and physically. I’m a coward, pretty much. I know there’s a coward in everyone. You can’t just be unafraid of everything.
I grew up with trust issues. I’m not going to lie; I still do, especially when I have certain friends who can prove something that makes me uneasy. I knew there’s a reason why they’re my friends… I’m not using them or anything, really. At the same time, I can be flexible. If a person didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, that’s cool. Just don’t be a bitch about it, and we can still be cool. If you’re going to dance around in circles and say that you want to meet up, or that you care, and then show diddly-squat (yes, I used that word), remove anything that has to do with me. Now. I ain’t got time for that.
Anyways, I’m probably a coward because a) I think a lot; and b) I’m still new to many things. I’m new to caring. I feel new to my relationship still (Does two years count?). I’m new to getting along with my sisters’ kids. My niece loves me a lot. A bit too much, I think. I’m new to any form of commitment. There has to be another word. “Commitment” just sounds scary. It sounds like “forever.” I swear my anxiety hits even when I type the word. Let’s just call it the “Other F-Word” and the “Other C-Word.” F-Word and C-Word are already taken, and I really hate the C-Word. It’s such an ugly word in the English vocabulary. Like, please vanish.
This blog is pointless, boring and random.
Will I ever get over these insecurities and fears? If I can mature any more than I already have, then maybe. I doubt it though. If anything, I feel more immature now.
Ever have those days where you just want to be alone, but people keep bugging you? Or those days where you want to be around people - you make plans with someone and you’re so excited, and you have this illusion that you’ll be a part of it - and you realize that you’ve been forgotten and completely ditched? Just now, for some strange reason, the entire population currently residing in this apartment somehow were lounging in my room while I sit here with a massive headache. What part of “get out” do you all not understand? I know you’re family, but come on! I usually don’t care much about that being forgotten bit.
I normally don’t take up much interest in anything because frankly, I don’t care. But when I do want to take part in something, I help out a bit, and realize I’m not actually involved anymore… like I’ve been slowly pushed away. It feels like a stab in the back. Literally. Even if it’s unintentional. I just experienced such a feeling recently, and let me tell you:
1) I wish I had no feelings;
2) I feel left out and lonely; and
2) it sucks.
All of a sudden, it’s like I wasn’t there at all and that I didn’t help with any input. And then people think I’m just taking an interest in their plans or hobbies. Hello? I do remember contributing to this idea with you. Don’t make it look like you thought of it - 100% - all by yourself. This has happened more than once. I always say, “It’s okay” or “It’s fine. It’s not the end of the world.” You know what? Sometimes, it is okay. Somtimes, it’s not. I just say that to avoid anymore discussion on the topic.
There are days when I call a bunch of friends out just to sit down at a particular location for a few hours and grab a drink. When I try sending them a text or calling them, they don’t pick up, make an excuse, show up late, and then change the plans completely, or make separate plans to hangout with each other and forget me. Way to leave a girl hangin’. I agree that if I want to see my friends, it doesn’t matter what we do because we’re spending time together, but sometimes, I’d like to have a say in something. Of course, if I’m pissed off, I just act casual or be nice about it and just get the fuck out before I have a meltdown.
I hardly call people out now. I also stopped putting in effort to show I care now because people just have a habit of forgetting about me. Or at least, I try to not put in effort. I’m slowly blocking out my emotions again. Why? Because I was safer that way. I was able to focus on what was needed to be done. I’m not sure what that is. I always find something.
My mind is feeling some negative vibes today. Actually, just lately. I’m losing confidence not just in my writing, but my role in people’s lives. I feel like some people are just not acknowledging the fact that they want me out, so they say things that make it seem like they’re convincing themselves that I’m good to stay. Seriously? Cut the bullshit. No body deserves to be kept away from information like that. Someone can be next to you smiling like an idiot not knowing that you can have some deep secret inside that can hurt them. But at the same time, you’re just dragging this on until something blows up in your face and things are just fucked up forever, even if you happen to “move on”. Many of us are guilty of this. Don’t deny it. I admit I’m one of the “many”. I understand that it’s difficult, but if you can wake up everyday and face the horrids of society, then you can shed your friend some light and let them know what’s up.
Peace & Good Vibes,